My healing Story - Broken to Better

 And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this?  —Esther 4:14 

My journey to becoming a better version of myself began with a broken jar. When I was forty-one years old, I hit my limit of adversity with raising three children and having a husband who traveled four days a week. I came to the end of myself when a jar slipped out of my weak, unsteady hand and shattered on the kitchen floor in a million broken pieces. The spaghetti sauce mixed with glass splattered everywhere. As I broke down in tears, I slipped to the ground in my weakness, feeling defeated, devastated, tired, worn out, and incapable of putting the pieces back together—both the parts of the jar and the components of my life. I felt broken! I was broken down and bone tired from holding it all together emotionally, broken from overexerting myself physically in an attempt to numb the relational pain I felt, broken spiritually from my belief that my doing for God and others was helpful and would lead to relational intimacy. It was all a big lie! I was broken, the jar was broken, things were a mess, I felt ugly, and there was no putting me back together again—at least not in my strength. At that moment, I could not imagine how beauty would emerge from the current brokenness of my life.

Brokenness is a state of being, blessed from heaven but enacted on earth, purposed for growth, as brokenness is from God. Brokenness is a state of acceptance so something abundantly better is can be forged. Bear the insult of brokenness, for it brings the ingress of blessing.

I sat next to the broken mess on the floor and sobbed, feeling the sadness I had never allowed myself to feel. The tears broke through the dam I had built around my heart and flooded me. I wish my story were that after a few minutes, I got back up, put my big girl panties on, and cleaned up the mess. However, I couldn’t clean it up for the first time in my life. Three hours later, there I was, still broken on the floor along with a jar of spaghetti sauce, reciting in my head the list of things I would never do or be again. “Don’t…

• Be self-righteous
• Try to dominate, nag, scold or complain
• Lose your temper
• Try to push anyone but yourself
• Keep bringing up the past
• Keep checking up on [people who don’t want help]
• Wallow in self-pity
• Make threats you don’t intend to carry out
• Be over-protective
• Be a doormat”

Awakening to my brokenness was the first step toward spiritual transformation. Only by knowing who I was could I imagine and see the person I wanted to become. If I was going to become someone new, become whom God created me to be, become better, I would have to look at the broken pieces of my life, their sharpness, the sting from abuse, and decide who I would never be again. It was time! 

Three years after the broken jar incident, I witnessed my second mass butterfly hatching in Borrego Springs, California, a desert town. God put me in the right place at the right time to see the hatching. It was a spectacular gift to watch millions of butterflies in the air surrounding me with their flutters, mesmerizing me with their breathtakingly beautiful colors. Miraculously, it had been twelve years since the last mass butterfly hatching in that desert town, and I got to witness it! 

In the midst of the butterflies in a field of colorful wildflowers, I heard God whisper Isaiah 43:19 to me:“Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert” (esv). The butterfly hatching reminded me that He was doing something new in me and through me. But first I had to face my brokenness if I would ever lead anyone through theirs. He took me to the desert to remind me that He was healing my brokenness and would set me free. Henri Nouwen stated, “The great illusion of leadership is to think that man can be led out of the desert by someone who has never been there.” Well, there I was in the desert, witnessing new life, freedom, and a new perspective springing forth in me. 

Although healing from my brokenness had been a complex yet slow and steady process since my breakdown, the sign of seeing the butterflies in the desert reminded me that God was fully with me as I was becoming a beautiful new creation. He showed me that there is always a way through my brokenness, but could I perceive it? There is nothing about a caterpillar that looks like it will become a butterfly.

I had a visit with my naturopath a few days after the Borrego Springs trip because I convinced myself that my thyroid was acting up again. I told him that I thought my thyroid medication needed to be increased. I was feeling tired, dizzy, anxious, like my throat was closing in, heaviness on my chest, etc. He looked at me with gentle, caring eyes and said, “No, I don’t think you need a higher dose.” I had been on thyroid medication for three years since my physical breakdown, yet he encouraged me to remain hopeful that I could heal without increasing my medicine. 

He believed that “long-term well-being and true healing is always ‘beyond medicine.’” On that visit with him, he said to me, “Can you just stay open to the possibility of healing?” I left pondering his words. Of course, I can stay open. I had been supernaturally healed two times after my body broke down, and I believed with all my soul that more healing was coming. I had asked for prayer for my thyroid a dozen times without receiving healing, but I still believed. It was time! 

I went to church the following weekend and was doodling on a piece of paper during the service, drawing an image of a butterfly and scribbling the question, “Open to the possibility?”

Interestingly, the thyroid is a butterfly-shaped gland located in the front of the neck just below the larynx, also known as the voice box. An essential part of the thyroid disease healing journey is “finding your voice.” That morning, I woke up and was out of my thyroid medication, so I went to church with no meds. I was feeling the loss of power, shakiness in my voice, and memories of the brokenness in my body from the previous three years threatening to flood my mind. 

While worshipping, I noticed a lady sitting behind me. I could sense that she was filled with the Holy Spirit and believed in the physical healing power of God. I heard the Lord tell me three times in the slightest, quiet voice that I could have easily missed, “Ask her to pray over your thyroid.” It was time!

After church, I reluctantly walked up to the stranger and discovered her name was Joy. I overcame my fear and doubt and said boldly, “Hi, I would like to meet you.” I cut straight to the point, asked if she would pray with me for my thyroid to be healed, and mentioned how the Lord told me to ask her. She said with stern authority in her Nigerian accent, “Sit down! I had not planned to come to church today. Fifteen minutes prior, I felt a sudden urge to go, so I dressed quickly and came, and now you are telling me God asked me to pray with you?” I nodded yes, and she began to pray with intense boldness and spiritual authority for my thyroid. 

I immediately sensed God’s resurrection healing power! The same power that rose Jesus from the grave lives inside me; that dunamispower was activated through her prayer. I felt additional air enter my throat. Then the sensation of ice and heat shot through my chest, throat, right hip, and right leg. She finished praying and then spoke three words with 100 percent confidence and authority: “It is done!” 

After sensing the power, my logical left brain immediately tried to make sense of what I was feeling. However, I was so overcome with God’s power that I let go of trying to understand and just received the healing power and allowed myself to be with God in the process of what He was doing in me physically. I could barely walk out of the church building I was so overcome with the Spirit of God. Half giggling, half crying, half drunk on the Holy Spirit, I made it to the car. I couldn’t hear a word the kids said in the backseat because I was in awe of God’s grace and ability to heal when He chooses. I went home and passed out cold for two hours as I experienced waves of healing glory flowing through my body and into my thyroid. It was time!

That night, I received an email from my counselor and advocate during my three-year healing journey. It had a photo of a seashell shaped like a white butterfly sitting in dark sand on the Oregon beach. She saw the shell and thought of beaches, Becky, and butterflies. She prayed for me, took a photo of the shell, and scooped it up to bring home. She sent me the message on Saturday, but I didn’t read it until Sunday night after my healing encounter with the Lord. God knew in advance that He planned to heal my thyroid that day and sent an advocate to give me the message in tangible form as a beautiful shell that I could see as proof of my healing. My thyroid was permanently healed. I refilled my prescription and still took my meds for six additional days as I waited for confirmation, and on the seventh day, I heard the phrase repeatedly, “It is done,” whispered by the Holy Spirit again. I never went back to taking thyroid meds after that day.

Who I am becoming is more important than who I have been. From the moment of becoming aware of my brokenness to the moment of supernatural healing, I had been undergoing a process of not only physical and emotional change but spiritual transformation as well. Spiritual transformation is about growing and changing my thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors whenever they are not in alignment with God. Transformation is about shedding the old self, leaving the past behind, and becoming someone entirely new. That often requires looking back at old patterns to let go and believesomething different so I can become someone different. 

During the caterpillar stage, all the caterpillar does is eat to grow and expand. The unique part of the stage is that caterpillars grow by molting. That’s what I had been doing in therapy with a counselor (emotionally growing), with my naturopath doctor (physically growing), and with my spiritual director (spiritually growing), consuming wisdom to grow, change, evolve, and hopefully transform. Caterpillars shed the outgrown old skin several times while growing. As soon as they are done growing, they form themselves into a chrysalis, and the caterpillar’s old parts die and transform remarkably to become a beautiful butterfly. 

Just like the caterpillar has to go through the u process of death to transform into a beautiful butterfly, so did I. There are no shortcuts to becoming. The butterfly principle applies to spiritual growth. It takes continuous cycles of growth and death to become who I ought to be according to God’s design and purpose for my life. 

To grow spiritually, I must: 

• Die to the old self: “Your old self has died, and your new life is kept with Christ in God” (Colossians 3:3, erv). 
• Shed the old self: “To put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness” (Eph. 4:22-24, esv).
• Let go of the old self: “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!” (2 Corinthians 5:17).
• Forget the old self: “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland” (Isaiah 43:18-19).
• Be transformed: “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will” (Romans 12:2). 

My breakdown was the beginning of a breakthrough leading me to a better place, a place of being formed so I could become a better version of myself. Three years after the jar-shattering breakdown, I was becoming a better version of myself: brave enough to ask for help from my doctor, faithful enough to believe healing is beyond medicine, bold enough to ask for supernatural healing from a stranger, creative enough to imagine that God sent me an advocate to deliver me a butterfly-shaped shell to confirm my healing. This healing encounter with the Lord emboldened me to take action despite my fears and failures of the past. 

As I recall who I was versus who I want to be, I often ask the question, “God, who do you say I am becoming?” and ponder the answer. If I want to heal from my brokenness and become someone new, someone who reflects God’s image more accurately, I need to be aware of what I am letting go of (old self, the past, fears, failures), accept what I am shedding (brokenness, sin, unhealthy habits), and take bold actions toward who I am becoming (a better version of me according to God’s divine design). 

It’s time to be aware of the characteristics and season God has me coming out of so that I can accept His purpose for me and the actions I need to take to become who He designed me to be. Together with other women and men, laughing, growing, and transforming in community, I am becoming a better me. God has us all in a continual process of becoming who we ought to be, beautifully and uniquely designed, according to His purposes for our lives.
- Rebekah Cancelosi